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Today Is Where Your Book Begins...
...The Rest Is Still Unwritten
Where I'm At 
Levi Face
Okay, so I have an interesting story that basically nobody has ever heard before... I'm not sure where I should begin, tho.

I guess it all starts with a random Myspace message from a stranger...Collapse )

I was flabbergasted. I didn't know what to say or what to think or what to do about it. I had absolutely no idea who this person was or anything, but I was captivated.

So I Replied...Collapse )

& Then He Replied...Collapse )

...& that was it. I honestly don't remember whether or not I replied to that message, but I think I did. If I remember correctly, I replied to this message again just saying thank you, and asking more about him. I sent him a friend request, which he accepted, but there was never any more correspondence. I tried writing him again a few months later, and he never responded. I have gone back to his page a number of times since then, and I have thought about the whole situation a lot. I just don't know what it all means.


I just went to his page again a few days ago. I just looked at his pics some more, tried to pick something up from them... like trying to see if, for some reason, I may recognize him without realizing it. Like, maybe he is someone I know, or someone I have met before. I didn't find anything, tho. I read through his blog, which only has a couple of poems he wrote, the same ones that were there when he first contacted. Good poetry, definitely. I could relate to it, but it wasn't anything relevant to me in any way. I was looking through his friends, seeing if there was anybody that we both know or something like that. Some kind of in. Still, nothing.

A part of me wants to contact him again, at least try... but what does one say? How do you approach someone who contacted you once, well over a year ago, with something like that. I don't know what the appropriate next move would be. I wonder if maybe it isn't best to just leave it be... take it for what it was & move on... but I can't help, but feel like that's not what it's meant to be. IT HAS TO MEAN SOMETHING. This is not just a random coincidence. It can't be.

Of course, I got a message from another guy some time later, which was actually similair... but different. It was from a much older guy, and kind of came across as a come on, but only because he specified a couple times that it was not a come on. It was a little more... personable. That person explained how he found me, that he had read my blog & some of my lyrics I had posted, and that he really admired me & that I was very wise/insightful for my age. I wrote him back, too, and said thank you and all that, but it just ended there, and I never gave that one much thought after the fact. Maybe because it lacked the air of mystery of the other guy, or maybe, (and I know I am capable of being this shallow, but hope I am not actually this shallow,) because he was older & much less attractive than the first guy. I dunno...

The whole thing is just odd, and I don't know what to make of it. I don't know why, but the whole thing has been on my mind lately, and I just felt the need to get it out.

Now it's out...

I don't think it helped.
Levi Face
Okay, so I went out job-hunting yesterday. I honestly didn't go very many places, but it seems like I made some pretty big strides in the hunt for a new job. It seems like every place I went to was actually hiring currently, and I made a pretty good impression on the people at most of them. I think the whole thing went pretty darn well. The place I am kinda most interested in, of the places I applied to yesterday, was Blockbuster. It's a pretty big, nicer-than-usual Blockbuster location, and the guy who was working, who told me how to apply, was TOTALLY flirting with me... and that was a good thing not because he was somebody I would be interested in dating, (not that I am interested in dating at all right now,) but because he just so happened to be the assistant manager. He said he'd keep an eye out for my application. hehehe. Aside from Blockbuster, I put in applications at Pier 1 Imports, which was a nicer store than I had expected, Office Depot, which I would totally not mind hearing back from cos' it was kind of a stuffy store, & Books-A-Million, which is kinda a long story.

Books-A-Million is kind of a shitty book store, but they have taken a lot of the people who have quit Borders, including my two best friends in town, Whitney & Stephanie. Back before I quit working at Borders, but was considering quitting, I had asked Whitney & Stephanie if their store was looking for anyone. They were both like, "Oh no, you don't wanna work there!" & left it at that. Well, now that I have been without a job for 2 months, and their store has just lost 3 or 4 people, I approached the idea again with them when I went in there yesterday to visit. Whitney was, at first, kinda like, "Well, I guess it's up to you," while Stephanie was again like, "Oh no, you don't wanna work here!" I didn't get a chance to talk to their boss while I was there, but she knows who I am & seems to like me enough, cos' I went & helped them run their "Breaking Dawn" event and she kept thanking me, telling me what a big help I was, etc etc etc. While it really isn't my ideal job, I really like the idea of working with Whitney & Stephanie again, and I just plain need a job ASAP. I went ahead & put in an application, and texted Stephanie, who was there working with the hiring manager, and asked her to put in a good word, or at least let her know that I had put in an application. She didn't respond. Whitney, on the other hand, warmed up to the idea, and I think she will definitely help me out there.

It really isn't my ideal job, though. Books-A-Million strictly sells books, not music or DVDs. I have a halfway decent knowledge of books, but at Borders it was always really easy for me to hide behind my lack of knowledge of books because everyone knew I was VERY knowledgeable about CDs & DVDs, so they always put me in that department. At B-A-M, I wouldn't have those things to hide behind... unless they put me in their cafe, which is where I spent my last 4 months at Borders, and which I was actually pretty darn good at. I dunno... I'd prefer Blockbuster, if the metaphysical supplies store doesn't come through. I know movies... I know movies quite well. I could recommend the shit outta some of my favorite low-budget, under-rated indie movies or dorky teen romantic comedies & stuff like that! I just think it'd be fun.

In other news, Audrina was on the View this morning, and Whoopi started going on about how it seems irresponsible that they don't discuss safe sex & things of that nature on the Hills... but come on, they don't really discuss sex at all on the Hills, and when they do it is not in depth enough to include whether or not they used a condom. Weirdness. Another thing discussed on the View this morning was Sarah Palin's speech at the RNC last night. All I really have to say about it is that the woman is kinda ridiculous. She really seems like the perfect representation of the Republican party - she's a huge hypocrite, her words are all contradicted by her actions or her lifestyle, and she comes across as a frigid bitch. I mean, not all republicans are like that, but it seems like the ones that have any power at all are. I dunno... I shouldn't talk politics, cos' I will freely admit that I am not all that educated about them.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. Oh, except I downloaded the Donnie Klang, (from Making The Band, whichever number it is,) cos' I figure not ALL bad comes out of that show. Danity Kane is pretty good, and O-Town was the shit back in their day... but this dude, good lord. His album is not all that bad, (I actually really like a good deal of the songs,) but there's these little interview clips between tracks that are like, some woman asking him "Have you ever been in love?" or "Do you think you'll find love again?" and he's always like, "Yeah, there was this girl a couple years ago, and she broke my heart, blah blah blah." It all just seems so... gay. Not in the good way. Not like how Ricky Martin seems gay.

Okay, I'm done.
Levi Face
I don't know what I have to say this morning. I am awake. It is only 10:36am, and I am awake. It's been a little bit since I have been up this early, but I am hoping to make a habit of it. Today I am headed out to job hunt with my friend Whitney, which we had planned on doing last Tuesday, but never wound up doing, cos' when she arrived at my house her car took a shit. I had woken up late that day, and just had this feeling that it wasn't gonna happen that day. I woke up bright & early today, and did not have any feelings that it wouldn't happen today... so I'm taking that as a good sign. I said last week that it didn't happen that day because there wouldn't be anything for me to find that day, and that when I did end up actually going out applying there would be something perfect.

As far as the game plan for today, I only know of two definites: the porn store I mentioned last post, and my last job, before Borders, at the answering service. I called them a couple weeks ago to see if they needed anyone, and they said they didn't at the moment, but to come in & fill out a new application, so they'd have it on file, and I would be first in line as soon as they did. That wasn't really a bad job. It had it's down sides, sure, but it payed really well & was not constricting at all. If I could get back in there, it'd prolly be a really good move.

Also, on the job hunt front, I did a follow-up call to the metaphysical supplies shop, and apparently made a pretty good impression on them over the phone... unfortunately they had just hired a couple people, but they "aren't putting the applications away yet." The woman I spoke with implied that they may be hiring another person, and also implied that she wasn't sure that the people they hired would work out, and said she'd "put a flag" on my application, cos' she thought I sounded like I'd be a good fit there. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for that one and the porn store. I really kinda like the idea of just doing 2 part time jobs, instead of 1 full time job. I hated working 2 jobs before, but I think that's prolly because I was doing 40 hours at one, and 30 at another. If I could get 2 jobs doing like 20 hours a week, I think it'd be nice. The metaphysical place would be perfect, though... they're hours are 10am-6pm Mon-Sat & 12pm-5pm Sundays, which would mean no super early mornings and no night shifts. I LOVE that idea!

Anyway, in non-job hunt related news... well, there really isn't much non-job hunt related news right now. I had a little get-together at my house Saturday night. I was kinda nervous about it at first because one of my closest friends here in town was coming, and we had been a little distant recently. She has been living with my former BFFN and had been kinda distant ever since me and said BFFN had stopped speaking. It made me think that my name was being run through the mud & she was now turning people against me or something, but luckily on Saturday it was made clear that she wasn't happy with me & talking shit, but it was going in one ear & out the other. Saturday night also revealed that my good friend had seen the true colors of former BFFN and was kinda just as pissed off at her as I was a couple months ago. The whole thing was such a huge relief, and the get-together couldn't have gone better.

I really hate the fact that I have silly "Hills" style drama like that in my life. At least I get to be the Lauren, though, and not the Heidi. It makes me laugh so hard, though, because former BFFN & I used to watch The Hills together all the time, and it was always clear that I was the Lauren, and she would get so pissed off any time I said she was the Heidi. She tried to be the Audrina, (but that spot had already been filled,) and then decided to try to be the Lo, (which is funny, cos' Lo is a big bitch, too,) but I always knew she was the Heidi... and she has gone off & proven it!

So, it is no secret that I have spent a little too much time in front of the TV in my time of unemployment, (if it was before, that Hills comparison a moment ago must have let the cat out of the bag,) & it has been getting much much more interesting in the TV world these past couple of weeks. First & foremost, my favorite show of the moment, The Hills, has returned for a new season, which is fucking fabulous! It's kinda weird, though, cos' watching the show you already know the outcomes of all of these situations, but you still sit & watch the show with baited breath like you have no idea what's going to happen. That shit is like crack... but much much prettier! Gossip Girl has just returned for it's second season, as well, and let me tell you... that shit is good! Blair & Chuck were never favorite characters of mine in the previous season, but they were the absolute best part of the premiere. They were awesome!

...but the best thing, that needs it's own paragraph, is the new 90210!!! It is AMAZING! After 1 episode, I am fucking hooked! It was soooo good. There were a couple things that I was expecting that didn't happen, like Brenda & Kelly totally feuding still, after all these years... but alas, they were over their issues & all friendly & happy with each other, even when that fine ass english teacher showed up to Kelly's house wanting to take her out & Brenda answered the door... I TOTALLY wanted Brenda to hit on him right there, & start a whole new Brenda/Kelly feud, but alas, she offered to watch Kelly's kid & let them go off happily. I don't think it'll stay that way, though, once Brenda gets into teaching at the school or directing the play or whatever. As far as the young cast, I thought they were all really good. I already had a special place in my heart for Shenae Grimes, the female lead, from her days on Degrassi: The Next Generation, and she was just as fabulous on this show. The boys are pretty much all fine as hell, and the girls are all super shady & bitchy just like a good 90210 girl should be. This series looks very promising, methinks.

Anyway, the View is on, and it's a full hour of hot topics, which is the best part of that show, anyway. I'm gonna go watch that, then shower up & get ready for the job hunt of the day! Wish me luck, folks!

P.S. I think I'm gonna post some newer songs I have written later today or tomorrow...
29th-Aug-2008 05:22 pm - I Stand For The Power To Change...
Levi Face
So, Idina Menzel is amazing, first of all. She really is. I saw her twice on her summer tour, and they were both some of the most amazing concerts I have ever seen. She just... I don't even know how to articulate it, really. She is just amazing. That's that.

The reason I open with that is because Idina has recently begun a thing on facebook, (which I am really not a huge fan of, and am not overly pleased with it's rising popularity these days,) called the "I Stand Movement." "I Stand" is a track on her major label debut album, of the same name. The "I Stand Movement" is basically people posting videos made, with the song as a backdrop, showing what it is they stand for. This got me thinking...

While I don't actually have any plans for making a video of my own for this movement, I figured maybe it would be a good idea to kinda break down what exactly I stand for, as these people are.

So, what do I stand for?

That's hard to pin down into one summarized statement, so I think a list is in order...

I Stand For The Strange & Lonely, I Believe There's A Better Place...Collapse )

That list could prolly have gone on much longer, but ya know... I don't wanna bore anyone, or get myself too worked up.

So, in other news... the job hunt is still ongoing, but it's getting better. I sent in an application to this little "metaphysical supplies" store here in town, and the more I think about it, the more I think it is perfect for me. I am not necessarily into metaphysical studies, at least not to the point of this store & it's clientele, but I believe it is something I would love to explore further & this job could be a great aid on that journey. I love the journey to self-discovery I am on, and even more I love the knowledge that this journey is one that will never end. I am sending as much positive energy to this store as I can, in hopes of actually getting hired there.

If not, there is also an "adult bookstore," in town that is hiring, and I had decided a little while back that I would really like to try that on for size. I love the whole concept of seeing what types of people frequent those places, and what gets different types of people off. It's kinda like both of these job options are ones that I think would be of great aid to me in exploring sides of myself that I have only scratched the surface of.

Maybe that was a little bit too much information...

Aside from that, though, I have just been watching a lot of TV, spending a lot of time with good friends, and, in the words of 3LW, "hanging at the crib, chillin' with my Mama, my Mama..." lmfao. TV has been a great escape for me recently.

I have become obsessed with the show "Big Brother." I started watching last season, which was kinda widely known amongst fans as the worst season ever, and I loved it. I just love the whole concept of a group of people stuck in a house for 90 days with no contact with the outside world at all. I love watching as they all slowly start to turn on each other, and everything just blows up. I have also become obsessed with "The Hills." I think the common factor with these two shows is that the obsession can be carried on 24 hours a day, if you want it to, and they both have so much to follow outside of the weekly episodes. "The Hills" is funny, too, because it's like you have the eternal spoiler of real life. These peoples real lives are constantly being reported on, and it's all stuff far beyond what is happening on the show, that it ends up with the show being the least part of being a fan of the show. "Big Brother" is the same way, but in an immensely different way.

There's also been a lot of good music leaking recently. I know it's shameful, but I have absolutely no shame in saying that I LOVE THE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK. I always have and prolly always will. Their new album, "The Block" leaked to the internet a few days ago and I just cannot get over it. It is brilliant, because it sounds just like their music from 18 years ago, but updated. Their harmonies are exactly the same, and even the sound of the music is the same... just more current. The new Jessica Simpson country album, "Do You Know" leaked recently, too, and I am in love with it. I have always been a fan of hers... one of the few, lol. I think this very well may be her best album, artistically, but I also don't doubt that it is gonna be a huge flop. The country sound really works for her, but it's far too pop for country radio, and far too country for pop radio. The music on this album is pretty great, though, and it really kinda feels like she actually put a lot into this album. It feels very personal, and I think the reason I have always been a fan of hers is because I have always been able to relate to her. This album is no different, a lot of these songs are things I can really relate to. Other VERY notable leaks recently that I'm not gonna go into long details about are the new Jack's Mannequin record, "The Glass Passenger," and if you are not familiar with Jack's Mannequin, I URGE YOU, download some of their stuff, they are one of the most amazing bands out there today. Also, the debut album from Lady GaGa, "The Fame" has leaked, and it too is fucking amazing, although I think a lot of the songs that made the album are not nearly as good as the songs that leaked previously. It's still got a lot of great stuff on it, but I'd also recommend looking around for songs that didn't make the album, cos' a lot of them are a lot better than the stuff that did.

Anyway, I guess I'm done here for the moment. I'm gonna go take a shower or something, and get ready for a friend to come over & watch movies. Isn't it funny how you have to get ready to not even leave the house? lol.
Levi Face
Well... what to say?

It's been over a year since I have posted here... Weirdness, right? Well, here I am! I know, I know... don't call it a comeback, or whatever it is they say.

Well, what is there to say? Let's see where I was a year ago... I was working at Borders, (not anymore.) I was obsessing over a boy code-named Spartacus, (not anymore.) I was "The Hills"-style best friends with a chick who we'll call Z, (not anymore.) Those were kinda the three biggest factors in my life at that time...

It's funny how you remove three of the biggest factors in your life, and honestly... it doesn't feel all that different. It's like nothing's really changed.

Well, actually, that's not true at all.

All of these changes kinda took place right around the same time... about 2 months ago. Let's start with the job... a job in a bookstore where opportunities for advancement seemed promising after almost 2 years of working there, with good decent, attendance, where I had been through every non-management position available in the store. I had worked there 2 years before, and went back just as a second job, spent 3 months as a cashier, then a few months as a book-seller, then moved to the esteemed position of multimedia merchandising, then after about a year of that decided to move into the cafe. A lot of people working there still think that is where the change took place, but they neglected to recognize the fact that I was passed over for promotion 3 times during that whole run. They also didn't see the shiteous review I was given after busting my ass for them for a year and a half. They also didn't see how I wasn't given a raise when everyone else was, claiming that it was because I had gotten a previously requested raise earlier in the year, when my former Hills-style bestie was given one after having done the same thing, then given a completely unwarranted promotion after she and I both had been denied... then she threw a shit fit about it and played the race card & was suddenly good enough for the job.

Woah... that sounded bitter, didn't it?

I'm not really bitter about that whole thing, though, and that wasn't really the cause for ending either of those things. I wound up leaving Borders, basically, because I was asked to. My Borders Rewards signups were no good, (and never had been,) and my boss basically told me that it would be in my best interests to go ahead & turn in my two weeks notice, because if not, in two weeks, she would be firing me. It was so hilarious, too, because after I did turn in my two weeks notice, she forced the scheduling manager to only schedule me two shifts for each of those 2 weeks, but since the scheduling manager & I were such good friends, he hooked me up & gave me the vacation time I was still owed for every day that I wasn't scheduled, (since Borders is one of those shitty companies who doesn't pay you vacation time when you leave unless you request the time off.) Plus, the boss was sooooo uncomfortable for those remaining two weeks during my shifts that she suddenly had to take some personal time for the rest of my time there. It was awesome!

So, I worked my last day at Borders on July 8th, and I could not be happier about that. The downside to that is that I still haven't actually found another job. It was kinda on purpose, tho. I decided, when I turned in my two weeks notice, that I hadn't been unemployed in about 4 years, and it seemed like time to take a little time off. So, that's what I did. I had managed to save enough money beforehand for moving to California next year, (which I am still half-planning on doing,) that it could carry me through about a month of unemployment. The plan was to be working again by the first week of August. Of course, that didn't end up happening, but the money did wind up being enough to carry me through to damn near now. Now is the time that I am starting to REALLY need more money coming in, though. I didn't give much thought to money through my first period of unemployment, and did quite a bit of retail therapy. Like, a LOT. Meanwhile, I have a fabulous new wardrobe!

So, the job part is there. Now the "friendship." Well, it all started with a Natasha Bedingfield concert. Natasha Bedingfield, for those of you who don't realize, is one of the most amazing live performers that I have ever had the privelige of seeing. Also, she had the Veronicas opening for her, and they have been one of my all-time favorite bands for a few years now. I absolutely love them, and they remembered me from meeting me two years before this concert! See my myspace for pics... but oh yeah, this isn't actually about the concert. It's more what took place before the concert. Z had borrowed $200 from me a couple months beforehand, which she was "working on" paying me back, but then she needed to borrow $100 more for a reason that I can't remember now. I felt that, being in the position that I was in, (aka, SOMEHOW having money all the time & never having to think too much about it,) I should help her out since she was less fortunate. However, we had set a definitive date for her to pay me that part back. This was a Friday, and she would have the money to pay me back by Monday. We go to the concert, I buy her dinner & a CD at the show to get autographed by The Veronicas, cos' she just couldn't afford it with all her money drama, (and my money in her pocket apparently couldn't be used?) This was commonplace, though, because I pretty much bought her dinner every goddamned night, or my Mom did, otherwise she just didn't eat. Before this point we pretty much talked every single day, if not seeing each other every single day. Well, suddenly I didn't hear from her all weekend. Then I didn't hear from her til the following Thursday, when I called her to be like, "WTF?" and we just chit-chatted for a bit, then when I finally mentioned the money, she was like, "You didn't have to have this whole fake conversation with me, you coulda just asked about that up front." I was like, "OH HELL NO," but of course didn't say that, because we had to play mental games, so instead I made her feel reeeeeeeally guilty for insinuating that I had faked all that just to ask her about the money, (even tho I basically did.)

We had this strange rift between us, but still pretended to be best friends for about 2 months more. I finally decided that I didn't want this friendship to continue when I realized, "Hey, this isn't that much different than before, except now I don't have to deal with her being around & being annoying anymore!" because the whole "best friends" thing had ALWAYS been fake. I just didn't entirely realize it. Well, I guess I did realize it, I just never actually faced it myself. So, why keep around a friend who you have never truly trusted or even genuinely enjoyed being around. She is still wreaking some havoc in my life, a little bit, because she lives with one of my good friends, and seems to be trying to turn her against me. It's not gonna work, though, I'm pretty sure.

So, all that leaves is little Mr. Code-Name. He & I are still technically friends, which is all we ever TECHNICALLY were, so whatever. He is a good guy, but I decided that in order to actually get over him, I needed to stop talking to him. I have only recently kinda started talking to him again, and that is only brief. I am slowly noticing all the little things I had never really noticed before about him, like the fact that he is incredibly selfish, and self-absorbed, and just all-around not really the type of guy I wanna be with. So, that was that. Admittedly, that story is very short & kinda boring, but it is one of the changes I mentioned, so I figured I should, at least, tell what happened.

So, those are the changes. So, the question becomes, what is the same?

Well, I am still studying Kabbalah. I am still a firm believer in the law of attraction. I am still trying my best to feel like my fully actualized self, and I think I am doing a pretty damn good job. Prolly a considerably better job than I was doing a year ago. I am still writing songs, and will most likely still be posting them when I get a wild hair up my ass. I am still me, basically. Minus a few factors, but plus a few more!

...I'm back, bitches.

& I promise, soooooo much better than before!

EDIT: P.S. Would somebody be able to hook me up with a new layout. When I say somebody I think a particular person knows that I'm talking about them, but ya know... *hint hint*
Levi Face

"Empty Voices On The Phone"

You don't know what you're saying
You don't know why you called
Maybe you just wanted a familiar voice
but you don't know mine at all

You don't know how you got here
You don't know why you came
Maybe you just wanted to feel a little more loved
or maybe just a little less pain

You and I, we are not one and the same
but we can connect in another way
if you want to give it a go

Maybe we could spend the whole night talking
or maybe we could spend our nights alone
Maybe we could really get to know one another
or maybe we're just empty voices on the phone
Maybe we could spend the whole night laughing
or maybe we could take some time to get to know
the inner workings of each others minds
or maybe we're just empty voices on the phone

You had a little too much to drink
You had a little too much time
Maybe you were making an effort
to become a better friend of mine

I had no expectations at all
I had nothing to do tonight
Maybe you were somehow drawn to me
and maybe now you're a part of my life

You and I, we are not that different
We don't have to remain so seperate
if you want to give it a go

Maybe we could spend the whole night talking
or maybe we could spend our nights alone
Maybe we could really get to know one another
or maybe we're just empty voices on the phone
Maybe we could spend the whole night laughing
or maybe we could take some time to get to know
the inner workings of each others minds
or maybe we're just empty voices on the phone

Maybe you are already a part of me
Maybe you've been there all along, but in hiding
Maybe somehow I caused this all to come to be
and I just couldn't see

Maybe we could spend the whole night talking
or maybe we could spend our nights alone
Maybe we could really get to know one another
or maybe we're just empty voices on the phone
Maybe we could spend the whole night laughing
or maybe we could take some time to get to know
the inner workings of each others minds
or maybe we're just empty voices on the phone

I don't want to be just an empty voice on your phone...


Okay, this is an odd little ditty... I spoke with someone on the phone tonight for the very first time, and said person said that I should write a song about it, so here it is. It came out a lot differently than expected, but I think I like it better this way than the original thought process that I had planned to go with. The basic concept is that this is a song about that feeling when you have just had a conversation with someone new... that whole feeling of "Where might this lead? What might happen next? Where is this going?" and I don't just mean in romantical terms, (even though, for whatever reason, everything I write comes off that way,) but with a new friendship, a new job, any sorta change taking place in your life... there is that feeling of anticipation of where this thing will lead you. That is what this song is about... although I'm sure I will find further depths to it once it has actually had time to sink in, since I just wrote it, well... about 5 minutes before writing this. lol.

As far as life... well, life is good. Not much more needs to be said than that. Maybe I feel like sharing another song I wrote recently, though. A song about letting go...

So, what else to be said? Not a whole lot really. I am not really in a speaking/typing/journalling sorta mood right now... but there are a couple of partially written songs laying around that I could prolly use this time to finish. hahahaha... I have made you all a part of my experimental writing exercises...

Well, I frustrated myself. I think I am done for the evening. :-P I am not really frustrated, I just get upset when I can't find the words to explain myself is all.
Levi Face
tagged by veronicamae

1) Comment and ask to be tagged!
2) I will pick THREE of your interests and/or user pics I find odd or nifty!
3) You post, explaining in detail about the three I chose!
4) People comment on your post!


1.   Juliette & The Licks - Juliette & The Licks are one of my favorite bands. The lead singer is Oscar Nominated actress Juliette Lewis, from an insane amount of very popular films throughout the years, most notably, "The Other Sister," "Natural Born Killers," "From Dusk Til Dawn," "Kalifornia," "Cold Creek Manor," "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" etc etc etc. She is also one of my favorite actresses, but I must say I really prefer her as a musician. The Licks make rock music the way it is supposed to sound - fucking hardcore, no synth, no machines, just real instruments and really fucking rowdy. I <3 Them.

2.   Paper Faces - Paper Faces is one of the many alter-egos of the man of my dreams, Mr. Stuart Price, (who I'm sure we all know from his works as musical director on the last 3 Madonna tours, as well as producing the "Confessions On A Dancefloor" album, and his hilarious appearances in the film, "I'm Going To Tell You A Secret.") He has done remixes for many many artists under the Paper Faces name, including work with Scissor Sisters, Gwen Stefani, etc etc etc. I am a particular fan of his work under the Paper Faces alias, as opposed to the Thin White Duke and Jacques Lu Cont mixes. 

3.   Utada Hikaru - I am so glad this one got picked... Utada Hikaru is one of my all-time favorite artists. She is mega-successful throughout all of Asia, and just a few years back released her first english language album, "Exodus," which was, in my opinion, absolutely amazing - the perfect blending of eastern and western dance sounds. It even included a few tracks produced by Timbaland, which were brilliant. Probably her most well-known track would be the song, "Simple & Clean," or it's japanese version, "Hikari," which was the theme for the original version of the video game, "Kingdom Hearts." The sequel version also included, as the main theme, her song, "Passion," which was also brilliant. If you are looking to do some curiosity led downloading, I'd definitely suggest the 2 mentioned above, as well as, "Exodus '04," "You Make Me Want To Be A Man," "Easy Breezy," "Kremlin Dusk," and basically the entire "Exodus" album. It is absolutely astonishing.


1.    - lol... Skankbox = _mad0nna_ and I do <3 her. She is one of two people in this world I will call my best friend, and I thought it would be nice to make an icon showing that! :-P She has one with rainbow colors, as well, saying "I <3 J. Cox," which are the little nicknames we made up for each other one day, and I am not sure why. I just remember that it was reeeeeeeeeeeeeally funny at the time. lol.

2.    - This one is pretty simple. The picture is one miss Alexz Johnson, one of my favorite musicians, and star of the Canadian teen drama, "Instant Star." The basic premise of the show is that she is a girl who won this fake "Idol" style competition called "Instant Star," and the show is following her struggles with fame, etc. It sounds really cheesy, and it definitely has moments where it is, but it is actually a genuinely good show, and the best part is the music. Each episode features a new song by Alexz, and at the end of the season they release a cd, which is kinda supposed to be the character's album. It is not only a great source of entertainment, both TV and music, but a pretty damn brilliant marketing scheme from the creator's of "Degrassi Junior High." I <3 it.

3.    - This icon is one of my absolute favorites. This is one of two icons I made of pics I took myself seeing my all-time favorite band, Dashboard Confessional. I was front row, and it was the absolute most amazing concert experience I have ever had, second only to Madonna, (of course.) It was one of the most amazing nights of my life, and now I have this and another icon to represent that. It makes me really really happy everytime I see it. I normally am not able to take great concert pictures, so I was also very excited I had gotten some shots good enough to make icons from. I also have a couple AAR icons I made from my own pics, as well, but my sister actually took those. lol. So, that is the story behind that.

I am thinking there is an actual entry coming on, as well, but I am not sure. Maybe just a song entry. We'll see.
Levi Face

Recently I have added an adjective
to the long list of adjectives
I use to describe you
It's a word that never occured to me
a word I never imagined you to be
but lately I find it to be true
When I hear your voice I hear something different
than what I heard before
When I look in your eyes I see somebody
who is looking for something more

You are lost
and I'd love to find you
but you have to find yourself
You are lost
and I'm right beside you
watching you turn into something else

Recently I have lost a lot of the words
in the long list of words
I used to use for you
I have added some new ones
and recycled some old ones
in attempts to define what's true
But when I see your face I see something different
than what I used to see
When I look in your eyes I see somebody
who is no longer a reflection of me

You are lost
and I'd love to find you
but you have to find yourself
You are lost
and I'm right beside you
watching you turn into something else

You are changing, so am I
and we are trying so hard to win this fight
we want so much to be on each other's sides
but sometimes I can't even look you in the eye
I'm trying so hard to make things right
but at the end of each day, there must come night
and I don't know if we can survive

You are lost
and I'd love to find you
but you have to find yourself
You are lost
and I'm right beside you
watching you turn into something else

You are lost
and I'd love to find you
but you have to find yourself
You are lost
and I'm right beside you
watching you turn into something else


Okay, so I think in a lot of ways, this song is pretty self-explanatory. It is basically about suddenly realising that this person you have always held in such high regards, and thought so highly of, is really just, well, lost. It's like you suddenly see for the first time that this person is not everything you thought, or maybe is still everything you thought, but you're finally seeing that they are just as lost as anyone else... just as lost as you are. I dunno... I like it a lot. I am very proud of this one. This song is definitely a reflection of recent experience in my life.

You are changing, so am I...
Levi Face
"Me Rejected"

I don't know what's going on
I just wish that you weren't gone
and that I could keep you here with me
put you in my pocket where no one else could see
cos' when they see you they want to make you their own
and I don't want you to go home yet
I just want to stay by your side
and I want you around for the rest of my life
and I fully intend for you to be there with me
but I hope it is not just in memory
and I feel like I am screwing things up between us
but isn't that what people do when they are in love?
No, it's not
it's nothing that I thought
and I wish I could give you everything that I've got
but I could, and you still wouldn't have what you want
when all I want is to give myself to you completely
but I am not all the things you think that you need
You can only ever be you
and I just have to be me
but fucking rejected

...and the thing is, this time it isn't like before
cos' the way I feel for you means so much more
Now that I have realised what you really mean to me
it hurts that much more when you treat me disrespectfully
but what am I supposed to do?
All I want is to give my all to you
and you surely want to take what I have to give
and I am glad to give you everything I am
but I would like to think that you'd be willing to give a little back
but you can't get past everything I lack
and I genuinely want your happiness more than my own
but I don't want you to go home yet
I just want to spend a little more time with you
I just wanted you to come downstairs with me
I just wanted you to talk me down from this fucking drunken sorrow I was swimming in
but you didn't have the time
you had other things on your mind
and you slipped out the door
you didn't even hug me goodbye
you ALWAYS hug me goodbye
but you were busy, and you were more concerned with yourself
so was I...
but I'm feeling this way now, so that must be a lie
but it's not
it is 100% true
I am less interested in making myself happy than I am you
and that is what is fucking wrong with me
You are still always gonna be you
and I still have to be me
but fucking rejected.


Don't mind me, really. I am fucked up right now. It was a long night. I learned a few things, most of which I am too drunk to count on remembering in the morning. Life is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo FUCKING confusing. I fucking don't understand people sometimes, but either way...

I know that he is the person I think he is. He just wasn't acting like it tonight. I can't expect him to always cater to my fucking feelings. that is dumb of me. I can expect him to show me some fucking respect, though, I would think. I dunno. It was a long night. I am too fucking drunk to recount the actual events right now, but it is all good. It is perfectly fine.

Everything will be okay once I eat something and go to bed. He is gonna call me in the morning, and everything will be fucking okay and back to normal. I just have to get a few things out. That is all I have to do, and I will do it in the morning. I definitely will and I will stop blaming myself completely for these things and start accepting that we are both involved in this. I can't blame myself for his actions. I can't completely absolve myself for them, either. He is not treating me badly, and I am not treating him badly. We are on level playing fields, and I will make myself start seeing that and accepting that. I definitely definitely will. DEFINITELY.
Levi Face
Okay, so now is the time for another song mega-post. It's only 3 or 4 today, so it won't be as long as usual, (as the lj world breathes a collective sigh of relief.) I wouldn't say I've been "blocked" lately - not at all, actually. I just feel like my feelings have kinda slowed themselves down for once, and thus I have less to write about... however, the stuff that is coming out of me, I think, has been pretty inspired. Not to toot my own horn or anything, of course, but that is how I feel. lol. So, let's get to it...

So, there ya have it. There was one other thing I kinda wanted to go over here, but I am too tired to deal with it now... plus, it started out as something I wanted to briefly touch on, but has since become a whole other project that will take more work than I have the time or energy for right now. So, another day... anyway, hope you all enjoy.
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